Being Alive

I was invited to spend this 4^th of July at a friend of a friend’s house, where, I was told, to be an excellent place to watch the fireworks, as they have a porch that looks up to the park where the fireworks would be done. With not too much on my mind to think about, I accepted the invitation thinking that it would just be a regular evening, one where I would hang out with some people, have some snacks and watch the fireworks. However, as I arrived to their house, I was received by a – may be- sixty something year old lady, in blue shorts and an American flag T-shirt, whom I later came to know to be my friend’s friend’s mother. She was very welcoming, especially for someone who has not met me before and didn’t really have a clue who I was. She showed me around, asked me to pardon the crazy dogs- which did not stop barking the moment I stepped in, asked me if I would like anything to eat or drink, and finally said to excuse her for the dozen of candles that she had lit, for she loved their smell and had them burning since the afternoon.

As I went to sit down on one of the patio chairs, in a nice location to watch the fireworks from, the mother was just moving around, very energetically, talking to everyone, asking them if they wanted anything. When she was finally convinced that everyone in the house was fine, she sat down beside my friend, only to tell her about all those trips that she had taken in the past two years. Florida, gone to Disney world, Arizona, saw the Grand Canyon, Italy, went to Venice, Alaska, Spain, Morocco, planning a trip to Mexico in the fall. The one thing that I could not miss is that she enjoyed every moment of every trip she took- not that I would find it difficult to enjoy traveling around. But this was a very different sort of enjoyment, a very genuine enjoyment, as there were things like having to have your own torches in Mexico because the place they were going to had no lights at night in the streets and she found this to be extremely exciting. I have to say I watched her speak and all what I could think of is that she was the most alive person in the entire place, as all the rest of us, were either staring into the empty skies waiting for the fireworks to start or just staring into nothing, probably emptying our brains from whatever was in them. And I have to say, that I really admired her spirit and her love for life, with the simplest and smallest thing in it.

Just as the fireworks started, I saw her run onto the stairs of the porch and sat down on them very close to her daughter and husband. As someone in the house put the radio on, to listen to the songs they were broadcasting from the park where the fireworks were done, she started very actively singing with the music and rocking back and forth holding her daughter’s and husband’s hands.

The fireworks seemed fine to me, but for her, they were very exciting, every single one of them. The one with the smiley face was cute, the one with the blue, red and white colors was very strong, the one with the swirls was very shinny. She was super excited about everything that- to me- it was becoming more interesting to watch her then to watch the fireworks. When the fireworks ended, she firmly wrapped her arms around her daughter and husband giving them a long hug and she said, “Another fourth of July fireworks with you guys.” I have to admit it was really emotionally to see them! When time came for us to leave, to my surprise, she gave my friend and me a big hug and wished us good luck in all what we do.

So on our way home, I couldn’t help but to express my admiration to my friend, saying how active I found that lady to be. To my deepest surprise, my friend gave a loud sigh and told me the saddest piece of news. “She has cancer,” my friend said, “Been diagnosed with it for more than two years. The doctors told her then she had only three months to live.”

And then I realized it all, the reason behind all this activity, all this appreciation and all this love. She is acting with one and only fact in mind, the fact that it is only for today that she is alive and accordingly, with all the determination that she has, she will, to the full, live every single moment of it.

SCREAM !!!!

Normally people want to scream when bad or terrible things happen to them. Normally, one would want to vent when they are facing a problem or are surrounded by a confusing situation. Usually someone seeks close friends for advice when they are in trouble or in deep dilemma. In such circumstances, it is understandable when one feels lonely, upset or miserable. It is ok when you want to scream to let it all out. It is ok when you can’t focus in your work. In such a situation, going boxing or running till your muscles tear apart is an absolutely expected thing. And usually it is completely ok if all what you want to do is to run away from all of it.

What is not normal and is considered really weird is when this feeling comes to you when something good is happening in your life. It becomes very confusing when you are passing through an exciting adventure or facing happy events and you still feel that you want to scream, not out of happiness, but rather out of fear. It becomes really frightening when every part of your body is excited about everything that is going on, yet your mind can not stop spinning-even for a minute-in your head and your heart beat passes a hundred while sitting down in your chair. It is very confusing when almost every aspect of your life has promise of a bright future, yet you feel an invisible hand reaching within your chest, squeezing your heart incredibly tight that you literally feel it stops beating.

When all this happens to you, and if you are a logical person, without even actively thinking about it, your mind tries to find explanations, starts to wonder why you are filled with all these emotions that certainly contradict themselves. And the first thing that comes to your mind is “What -for God’s sake- is wrong with you?” Then this is followed by another question wondering if there is something wrong in general. You wonder if this is your basic instinct screaming telling you to watch out from some unknown hidden danger. You wonder if there is something horrible about to happen- which you can not see- and that this is the way you are being warned. So without further delay, your mind spins faster and faster, thinking that by doing so it will be able to protect you from that hidden danger, an action the consequences of which are expected. You stand on the top of the highest building you know and from the deepest innermost part of your lung, you scream out loud, “Enough!!!”

What you do not know and is very interesting, is that if you slowed down-even for as little as a few seconds- if you just slow down and try to look at the whole situation from a different perspective, a perspective that has a sign written on it saying, “It is the change”, you will realize how all this anxiety just exists inside your head as a result of being subjected to a relatively new experience. You will realize that the whole situation is much more simple than any of those complicated scenarios that your mind has been jumping into. You will realize- if you slow down- that all this anticipation and fear will fade away before you can even blink an eye. Then all of a sudden that urge to scream out loud would just disappear and be replaced by a loud laugh and a cry of amusement that is full of life, asking for more and an attitude to enjoy every moment of this change.